Climbing the Hill

This blog is all about journeys.

Well, I've been on a journey this year with one of the pinnacles reached today. 

Ive been on health journeys before but they've faded after a while.

Three months ago I realised (with some help from family and some friends and a doctor )  that I was broken enough-physically and mentally, that if I didn't do something serious I was severely affecting my life expectancy.

Putting ourselves first does not come easy for most of us, and especially so for those of us in people professions. Putting others first is what we pride ourselves on, but there's a fine line and when we err too much then there's nothing left to give and that is no good for anyone. So I took some leave to work on me.

Three months ago I would move the car along the street if the shop I needed to go to was in the next block. 

Two months ago I was up to walking for an hour a day.

One month ago I managed to walk right around Mount Maunganui.

Today I made it to the top.  

                    Lots of hills to climb on the way, pretty much 1.5 hours straight up! 

 Lots of views on the way.

 Not sure whether the views or the sense of accomplishment at the top  are the best part.

What an amazing feeling to get right up there. I know there are people who do it every day but from where I was three months ago- what an amazing journey.
And its true what they say. Doing something about your physical health has a massive positive impact on your mental health as well.

The journey is not over, I have many more goals to meet, and much more health to find. 
Thanks to the family who have wrapped support around me when it was needed, in ever so many ways. To Lester, who has painstakingly walked me a bit further up every few days until I was ready to go all the way. And to the friends who have kept in touch, checking in on me  and supporting me on the journey so far. 

Making Moments Count

Five days ago I was holding a 5 day old baby and marvelling at how tiny but perfectly formed she was, while aware of how completely vulnerable and dependent on those who care for her she is.

Tonight I’m sitting in a secure care facility watching and listening to my mother, who at 75 is now fully in the throws of dementia, talking jibber, needing help to move, to eat and drink and again i am aware of how vulnerable and completely dependent on on those who care for her she is.

The circle of life. It starts and it finishes, often back where it started.

We owe it to that tiny little baby and to our mother, and all others like her, to ensure those years in between are precious. That we make the most of them. That we cram amazing experiences and find things and people to love. A reminder to ensure our years are not wasted with unnecessary worries and tedious conflicts.

We need to learn from the mistakes we have made as individuals and as a human race; the wars, the planetary damage, the and do better.

We need to figure out what is important and we need to make sure that is what happens, what is prioritised in our lives.

And that might be huge. But we can do it both one at a time and joined together. We have to. We owe it to that tiny little baby for the life ahead of her and the people like our mother so the life she has led is not in vain.

Otherwise what does it all mean? What has been the point?

Let’s make our lives count every day. We all matter. Tell someone you love them today. Show someone you care. Look out for others.

Make each moment count.

A One Way Journey

Every time I visit my mother I come away with a sense of both incredible sadness and determined inspiration.

My mother is on her own journey and it’s all a one way ride. 

My mother is the person who has cared for others her whole life. She had five children in seven years. She was milking cows with four Children under five in Prams and pushchairs in the cowshed with her. She spent four years bring that family of five up while Supporting husband who was a top dressing pilot. She only told me when I was an adult how she spent years in dread waiting to get that phone call that the plane had gone down. She, along with dad, were Pioneers in the  exporting blueberries business in New Zealand working through each summer, providing employment and a listening caring ear to all the teenagers of the small rural district we lived in.

In later years she spent much time looking after grandchildren who’s time in the home crossed over the children. She was an amazing carer for a husband 10 years her senior when that age difference became noticeable. In 2010 dad had a comprehensive stroke and we were told he’d never walk again and was unlikely to leave hospital. She had him home within 3 months, had him walking in 9 and cared for him for four years until we finally persuaded her to put him into a care facility. She visited every day for that last year of his life, and not just for an hour. She was there for at least four or five hours most days. 

And now, just three years on, our mother, that person who has cared for others all her life, is on a very sad, very rapid one way journey from which she is not returning. Parkinson’s disease has become complicated by Alzheimer’s, and the fact she has been a coeliac and gluten free for 30 years has also probably contributed to the decline of her body as well as her mind.  The shaking, and the staring because she can’t quite make out who you are from a distance or what is going on. The inability to dress or toilet without support.  The repetition- the same questions asked 5 times in the space of a minute forgetting you’ve just answered it. 

In the last twenty months she has gone from living in her own home, to moving into an independent apartment in a retirement village, to moving into a serviced apartment with some degree of care with things like meals provided and washing done, to moving into full time care. It’s been rapid, it’s been scary and it’s been incredibly sad. And if it’s like that for us looking in from the outside I can’t comprehend what it’s like for her. 

This afternoon I had to explain to her what a rubbish bin was. She sees and hears things that aren’t there and dribbles continually. She cries, a lot, and asks you if she’s imagining things or going crazy,.

It is incredibly sad, and a very un-dignifying and cruel way to see your life out. Especially at only 75. 

And while we are sad and grieving already for the mother, who while still breathing, is disappearing before our eyes, we also need to take inspiration. She lived her life helping others, including five children who will now, in their turn, do everything they can to ensure her final years are comfortable. 

She didn’t get to do all the things she wanted to in life, visit the places she wanted to, see the things she wanted to see. There was always someone who needed her more than she needed to do something for herself.  I’m actually inspired by the time she has lost- to be a little selfish- to not make every single minute about looking after others but to get out there and travel, to experience, do and see things when I can, never knowing what might be around the next corner in life’s journey. To care for others, but also to care for myself.

We are fortunate that she’s in a great care facility with incredibly caring and thoughtful staff who spend time with her and communicate with us about what’s happening for her. We are fortunate that there are five of us and our extended families to share the load. 

We are more fortunate than many who lose their loved ones much earlier in life. 

But we are incredibly sad about the one way journey inside herself somewhere our mother is taking.

An Internal Journey

This blog was started to write about the journeys I took myself off on a few years ago.

I haven’t done so many physical journeys over the last couple of years but all of a sudden this evening I realised I’ve been on a big internal journey. And I think I should share that journey, incase it sparks something for someone else.

Today is Valentine’s day and for the first time in a long time I don’t feel sad about that or like I need to stay hidden in my house for the night. I’ve cooked myself a nice dinner, been for a long walk on the beach, enjoyed a wine and am, now writing this. 

On New Years Eve I was flying back to New Zealand after a few days in Melbourne with my sister and daughter and I landed in New Zealand at 10pm. So in a hotel room I actually saw the New Year in for the first time in years with a feeling although I didn’t really know why this was going to be an amazing year.

It’s taken over 20 years and I’ve been on a long journey to finally accepting and realising that your life is not made more valuable or less valuable because of a partner. Your life is made the most valuable by loving yourself and being there for yourself. You can’t do right by other people in your life if you are not there for yourself.

New Years Eve and Valentine’s Day are two of the days I normally pretend don’t exist. But this year without realising it or telling myself too, I have realised I have a completely different reference point right now for my own place within these events- man or no man.

It is sometimes a couples world out there- you go somewhere and feel out of place, or you fear you were not included in something because you are not part of a couple. But actually it’s ok that sometimes its like that. Couple deserve to create their own happiness just as much as single people do.

Believing in yourself, loving yourself is our first and most important job. Rather than being envious of what others have, I’ve realised that I’ve actually become much happier of late for the people I love when I see them in great relationships. We all deserve happiness regardless and we are all responsible for our own happiness.As Veronica Shoffstall said in the poem- After a While- which I have often read and used:
“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security…”

The poem goes on to finish with:
“So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers…… And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn….”

Powerful words.

So Happy Valentines to everyone out there- the couples who make each others life better by being in each other's lives as well as those people who make their own lives better by loving themselves.

And to those who are still caught in the trap of thinking life will be better if only you have someone to share it with. There are lots of ways to share your life. There are lots of ways to love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Practice gratitude for all the things in your life that add value. Of course we would all love nothing more than to find that special someone we can share our live with. But if we take many years to find them, or if we never do, our life can still be fulfilling, we still have worth and we can all live fulfilling happy lives.

Simplicity

So what is your thing? In what ways do you resist the whole being that you are? I read a book by Stephanie Vogt in early January that started with this question and it really provoked my thinking. 

Simplicity. Reducing my life, my worries, my joys, my stresses. Deliberately searching for and gaining simplicity over the good and the bad. That, I decided after reading this book, was my one word goal for 2018.

After 3 months I’ve learned that simplicity is a great target, but to live in simplicity requires great organisation. It is quite complex to commit to a life of simplicity.

I started in mid January by actively and deliberately  reducing and getting rid of clutter around me physically. I moved to Christchurch two years ago and there were still unpacked containers of things at the top of my kitchen cupboards.

I spent 7 days clearing my house, something I thought would take two days maximum. The height of my personal mirth was reached clearing out a container of Maggi soup and gravy mixes. Not one had expired less than 5 years ago yet I’d moved them all with me. The oldest expired in 2002. I calculated I had moved at least 5 times since then, taking that gravy mix with me each time.

For those that know me domesticity is not my key strength or interest. However I acknowledged to myself that to live as simply as possible I needed to get organised.

With a renewed commitment to healthy living after major health incidents last year, and a commitment to walking in the morning and  aqua jogging after work I needed to get food organised. Otherwise it  would be all too easy to fall back into a  takeaways unhealthy eating track. 

I found a smoothie recipe that worked for me and decided I would spend every second  Sunday morning making and freezing smoothies for the next  fortnight. That was breakfast taken  care of.

I spend some time every Sunday buying fruits and vegetables and chopping and slicing them up and putting them into containers in the fridge for very easy lunch and dinner creation. 

I committed to myself that my computer would only come  home with me at the weekends. 

The fact I’m not working in the evenings frees my time and brain for other things. For reading, for thinking, for looking after myself. 

My house stays much tidier because I don’t default to working in the evening. My washing stays done instead of waiting to the weekends. My bed gets changed every week and remade on the same day! And this organisation all keeps my life simpler.

After 3 months I don’t get to the pool every day but I’m still getting there at least 3 times a week.  I’ve probably taken my computer home 4 or 5 nights over the term during week days, but I also acknowledge I’m generally much more effective and efficient at work if I don’t take it home and give myself a real break. And it’s all my choice. If I take my computer home to do something it’s me that’s putting that pressure on myself, no one else. Living simply also means taking true responsibility for the choices you make and what is driving them.

I’ve read more fiction this term than I can remember doing for a while.

My health, and fitness, is improving weekly. 

I’ve ended up having to be away a lot. At one stage in the term I was away for 5 weekends in a row. But each time my bag was unpacked immediately the washing done and away, and I’ve actually learnt that made moving through the next week and packing again very simple. 

I’ve learnt that being organised allows me to live simply.

I’ve had a number of one word goals over the years to varied success. Simplicity is definitely doing it for me in 2018.

Clearing is not a finite task that you put on a to-do list and complete by a certain deadline. It is an ongoing and revealing journey of self-discovery that starts where you are.

Stephanie Vogt

2016 Reflections

It's taken a bit of time to be ready to reflect on last year and think about the year ahead. A week visiting with Mum and doing very little- the odd walk, catching up with family and reading few books all helped.

Once again (like this reflection from 12 months ago) I originally thought there might not be a lot to reflect on and then I realised that 2016 had been full of change- and the grief and loss that often accompanies this. And that there was heaps to reflect on.

After beginning the new year in Perth, I returned to New Zealand and drove down the North Island travelling over to the South and driving onto Christchurch to take up my new position there.

  

Less than two weeks into the new job the phone call that dad had been hospitalised and things weren't looking good came. He hung in there long enough for all of us to get to Tauranga and passed away on the evening of February 5 with Mum and his five kids all present. A week of family and funeral organisation followed with a beautiful farewell in the middle of the next week.

  

Dad had been sick for a while and had given us scares before, so it was not totally unexpected. However his death has taught us all a lot- about grief and loss and about how personal it is and how we've all dealt (or not dealt at times) with it in our own ways. And about how it still hits at the most unexpected moments still nearly 12 months on.

That grief and loss mixed in the first half of the year with the loss and grief of moving and starting over once again. Saying goodbye to those close friends you make in an isolated community was really hard and I ended up feeling even more isolated even though I was in the middle of a city. I've moved a lot in my adult life I think this was the 10th new place I'd moved to in the last 30 years so I kind of see it as a normal thing to do and I do it without thinking too much about it. But this time it was really hard. I missed people, and I missed things, and I missed someone to have a wine and chat with at the end of the day! Gradually it all got a little easier. And now, at the end of the year Christchurch is starting to feel like home. New friendships are beginning to take shape. Old friendships have reconnected.

Christchurch is a city on the place to some remarkable things, but there's still some real rebuilding to be done here after the devastation of the earthquakes. I cannot imagine what it was like 5 years ago. It's very sobering to read about and watch videos of and makes you really appreciate life.

In July Lester and Sanna asked me to go to Hawaii with them and bring their kids back so they could go onto a conference in the States. It was great to get out of the NZ winter for a week and to spend some time with Lester, Sanna, Evan and Lexi. The beaches were great, as was the day we spent at Pearl Harbour.

  

In October I turned 50. Despite earlier in the year saying it was not a big deal, I gave in and had a bit of a gathering in Wellington at Labour weekend. I felt humbled and honoured at the number of people who came from both near and far to help me celebrate and at all the kind words that were said that night. It was very special.

A couple of potentially significantly health matters were identified in the second half of the year and so I am working toward remedying these as much as possible and that has to be number one goal for 2017.

My #oneword2016 was explore. (See blogpost here.) I've explored a lot. I think my new #oneword2017 is going to be embrace. To just be ready to grab whatever opportunities come along and to envelop myself in them.

To continue to learn- from myself and about myself; from and with others.

I have a friend who really inspires me with their continual ability to bounce back from whatever life hands them and be positive. The same friend sent me a poem a few years back when they knew I was going to have to make a tough farewell speech.

I was walking on the beach this afternoon and remembered the poem and realised that with that poem I was finally ready reflect on and say goodbye to 2016-

To live in this world

you must be able

to do three things:

to love what is mortal;

to hold it 

against your bones knowing 

your own life depends on it; 

and, when the time comes to let it go, 

to let it go.

~ Mary Oliver 

And as I was walking the words of Joshua Radin were playing through my headphones with the prophetic "It's a Brand New Day. And with those words I'm ready to say hello to 2017.

Some kind of magic

Happens late at night

When the moon smiles down at me

And bathes me in it's light 

I fell asleep beneath you

In the tall blades of grass

When I woke the world was new 

I never had to ask 

It's a brand new day 

The sun is shinning 

It's a brand new day 

For the first time 

In such a long long time 

I know  I'll be OK 

Most kind of stories 

Save the best part for last 

Most stories have a hero who finds 

You make your past your past 

Ya you make your past your past

It's a brand new day 

The sun is shinning 

It's a brand new day 

For the first time 

In such a long long time 

I know  I'll be OK 

The Great Ocean Road

A trip I've always wanted to take, when I knew we were coming to Melbourne to work for a week I decided to go over early for the weekend and do this trip as a day tour.

A very long day tour.

Had to leave my hotel and walk 15 minutes to the pick up point. Had to be there at 7am. Got dropped back off about 8.45pm and then walked back to my hotel. Just over 14 hours from departure to return.

But what a beautiful piece of Australia.

Headed out of Melbourne and through some small villages where we stopped for a quick cuppa.

Then it was onto the actual arch start of the Great Ocean Road.

Stopped en route in a campsite to see real life birds and koalas in the wild- I've seen them a lot in parks and wildlife centres but to see them int eh wild is pretty special.

Especially the momma with a joey.

Then it was on to a fishing village for lunch.

A few minutes more up the road and time to take a 30 minute stroll through a rainforest.

Then it was on to the pinnacle of the day. With winds blowing strongly straight off the Antarctic- it was pretty rough and wild. This just added to the beauty. (Except for the person who had their smartphone blown right out of their hand and into the sea while they were taking a photo.)


Firstly the 12 apostles.

And the Lord Arch Gorge.

and then onto Gibsons Steps

I thought I was just going to see some beautiful parts of Australia, but I also learnt a lot about the history of this great road, and the coasts known to Australian as surf coast and shipwreck coast. It was really interesting, gave you a real insight into time and events gone past that feed into making this trip the great trip it is today.

14 hours, exhausting, cramped on a small coach, but well worth it- for the learning as well as the views.  I know many people come to Melbourne for the hopping but for me this day was much better than a day spent in the malls of Melbourne!