Making Moments Count

Five days ago I was holding a 5 day old baby and marvelling at how tiny but perfectly formed she was, while aware of how completely vulnerable and dependent on those who care for her she is.

Tonight I’m sitting in a secure care facility watching and listening to my mother, who at 75 is now fully in the throws of dementia, talking jibber, needing help to move, to eat and drink and again i am aware of how vulnerable and completely dependent on on those who care for her she is.

The circle of life. It starts and it finishes, often back where it started.

We owe it to that tiny little baby and to our mother, and all others like her, to ensure those years in between are precious. That we make the most of them. That we cram amazing experiences and find things and people to love. A reminder to ensure our years are not wasted with unnecessary worries and tedious conflicts.

We need to learn from the mistakes we have made as individuals and as a human race; the wars, the planetary damage, the and do better.

We need to figure out what is important and we need to make sure that is what happens, what is prioritised in our lives.

And that might be huge. But we can do it both one at a time and joined together. We have to. We owe it to that tiny little baby for the life ahead of her and the people like our mother so the life she has led is not in vain.

Otherwise what does it all mean? What has been the point?

Let’s make our lives count every day. We all matter. Tell someone you love them today. Show someone you care. Look out for others.

Make each moment count.

A One Way Journey

Every time I visit my mother I come away with a sense of both incredible sadness and determined inspiration.

My mother is on her own journey and it’s all a one way ride. 

My mother is the person who has cared for others her whole life. She had five children in seven years. She was milking cows with four Children under five in Prams and pushchairs in the cowshed with her. She spent four years bring that family of five up while Supporting husband who was a top dressing pilot. She only told me when I was an adult how she spent years in dread waiting to get that phone call that the plane had gone down. She, along with dad, were Pioneers in the  exporting blueberries business in New Zealand working through each summer, providing employment and a listening caring ear to all the teenagers of the small rural district we lived in.

In later years she spent much time looking after grandchildren who’s time in the home crossed over the children. She was an amazing carer for a husband 10 years her senior when that age difference became noticeable. In 2010 dad had a comprehensive stroke and we were told he’d never walk again and was unlikely to leave hospital. She had him home within 3 months, had him walking in 9 and cared for him for four years until we finally persuaded her to put him into a care facility. She visited every day for that last year of his life, and not just for an hour. She was there for at least four or five hours most days. 

And now, just three years on, our mother, that person who has cared for others all her life, is on a very sad, very rapid one way journey from which she is not returning. Parkinson’s disease has become complicated by Alzheimer’s, and the fact she has been a coeliac and gluten free for 30 years has also probably contributed to the decline of her body as well as her mind.  The shaking, and the staring because she can’t quite make out who you are from a distance or what is going on. The inability to dress or toilet without support.  The repetition- the same questions asked 5 times in the space of a minute forgetting you’ve just answered it. 

In the last twenty months she has gone from living in her own home, to moving into an independent apartment in a retirement village, to moving into a serviced apartment with some degree of care with things like meals provided and washing done, to moving into full time care. It’s been rapid, it’s been scary and it’s been incredibly sad. And if it’s like that for us looking in from the outside I can’t comprehend what it’s like for her. 

This afternoon I had to explain to her what a rubbish bin was. She sees and hears things that aren’t there and dribbles continually. She cries, a lot, and asks you if she’s imagining things or going crazy,.

It is incredibly sad, and a very un-dignifying and cruel way to see your life out. Especially at only 75. 

And while we are sad and grieving already for the mother, who while still breathing, is disappearing before our eyes, we also need to take inspiration. She lived her life helping others, including five children who will now, in their turn, do everything they can to ensure her final years are comfortable. 

She didn’t get to do all the things she wanted to in life, visit the places she wanted to, see the things she wanted to see. There was always someone who needed her more than she needed to do something for herself.  I’m actually inspired by the time she has lost- to be a little selfish- to not make every single minute about looking after others but to get out there and travel, to experience, do and see things when I can, never knowing what might be around the next corner in life’s journey. To care for others, but also to care for myself.

We are fortunate that she’s in a great care facility with incredibly caring and thoughtful staff who spend time with her and communicate with us about what’s happening for her. We are fortunate that there are five of us and our extended families to share the load. 

We are more fortunate than many who lose their loved ones much earlier in life. 

But we are incredibly sad about the one way journey inside herself somewhere our mother is taking.

An Internal Journey

This blog was started to write about the journeys I took myself off on a few years ago.

I haven’t done so many physical journeys over the last couple of years but all of a sudden this evening I realised I’ve been on a big internal journey. And I think I should share that journey, incase it sparks something for someone else.

Today is Valentine’s day and for the first time in a long time I don’t feel sad about that or like I need to stay hidden in my house for the night. I’ve cooked myself a nice dinner, been for a long walk on the beach, enjoyed a wine and am, now writing this. 

On New Years Eve I was flying back to New Zealand after a few days in Melbourne with my sister and daughter and I landed in New Zealand at 10pm. So in a hotel room I actually saw the New Year in for the first time in years with a feeling although I didn’t really know why this was going to be an amazing year.

It’s taken over 20 years and I’ve been on a long journey to finally accepting and realising that your life is not made more valuable or less valuable because of a partner. Your life is made the most valuable by loving yourself and being there for yourself. You can’t do right by other people in your life if you are not there for yourself.

New Years Eve and Valentine’s Day are two of the days I normally pretend don’t exist. But this year without realising it or telling myself too, I have realised I have a completely different reference point right now for my own place within these events- man or no man.

It is sometimes a couples world out there- you go somewhere and feel out of place, or you fear you were not included in something because you are not part of a couple. But actually it’s ok that sometimes its like that. Couple deserve to create their own happiness just as much as single people do.

Believing in yourself, loving yourself is our first and most important job. Rather than being envious of what others have, I’ve realised that I’ve actually become much happier of late for the people I love when I see them in great relationships. We all deserve happiness regardless and we are all responsible for our own happiness.As Veronica Shoffstall said in the poem- After a While- which I have often read and used:
“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security…”

The poem goes on to finish with:
“So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers…… And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn….”

Powerful words.

So Happy Valentines to everyone out there- the couples who make each others life better by being in each other's lives as well as those people who make their own lives better by loving themselves.

And to those who are still caught in the trap of thinking life will be better if only you have someone to share it with. There are lots of ways to share your life. There are lots of ways to love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Practice gratitude for all the things in your life that add value. Of course we would all love nothing more than to find that special someone we can share our live with. But if we take many years to find them, or if we never do, our life can still be fulfilling, we still have worth and we can all live fulfilling happy lives.